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	Welcome To My Home... March 3, 2003 Drawing Perspective It is absolutely amazing how much one can change in such a short time. I remember eighth grade. I can think back, and I know what I did, what I said, how I acted. That was me. I know that... But I can't believe it. Looking back on my eighth grade year is like watching the biography of a complete stranger. I am the antithesis of my fourteen-year-old self. The amount of confidence I had back then is baffling. I'd take any opportunity to speak up. I never doubted anything; I'd just plow ahead like I knew what I was doing - because I always did. In every class discussion, I would want to participate. Presentations were what I lived for. Why? Because I wanted every opportunity to show the world how great I was. Anything I did could be bested only by my next achievement. I could do anything I wanted. And I knew it. Now look at me. I'm a cynical, introverted, self-pitying pushover. You know it; You've been reading. So what happened? It's too easy to blame external influences. I had different teachers, made new friends, found myself in unfamiliar places, and now I don't even live at home anymore. Sure, these play some role in molding me into the person I am; transitions aren't easy. But I'd have to be completely insane to conclude that any such outside factors would have anywhere near enough impact on me to change my entire personality. I'm certainly not the only one who's had a few bad teachers. Everybody else seems happy enough. For so long, I've presumed to know the answer. I'm different now because, well, everything around me is different. I'd point myself to specific examples and come to despise those things - because they killed that carefree spirit I once so treasured. It's easy to assign blame. It's not much harder to convince yourself to believe it. I don't honestly know what physically happened that caused me to change. I can't look back and say "That's it. That's the day that changed my life." But it wasn't until now that I realized - it doesn't matter. Things have happened, and things will continue to happen. It's how I deal with them that matters. And quite frankly, I haven't been dealing well at all. The fact is, I did change. As I gradually started to become aware of the rest of the world, I began to doubt things. To question. So much of what I had once taken for granted slowly began to show its true face. Things I had always believed were proven false. Things I had deemed most valuable now seemed silly and trivial. I was smarter than that, now. And suddenly, my triumphs didn't seem so great, after all. I started to doubt myself. No more was I that ambitious fourteen-year old, brimming with self-confidence. I became so overly critical of everything I did, that before long, I wouldn't allow myself to to do anything. Consider religion. The importance doesn't necesarily lie in knowing the truth, but in believing in it. Having faith. Just that belief alone is enough to drastically impact a person's life. After middle school, I lost faith in myself. I no longer believed in my abilities; I assumed I was inadequate and kept reminding myself of the fact until I believed it. Now it's time to change that. It's time to forget whatever it is I've been telling myself for the past four years, because it hasn't been helping anything. It's time to start believing again. They say that attitude is everything. There are posters and banners hung in classrooms across America. I've never argued with that, because it makes sense. I just haven't been heeding the advice. Don't let me fool you. Sure, I said I came to college with a good attitude. But really, my attitude's been crap for several years, now. So I lied? No. I did come here with the intention to learn. But that was it. That was the only reason I was here. I haven't made any friends because I haven't allowed myself to. I haven't had fun because I've never believed in the possibility. It is absolutely amazing how much one can change in such a short time. I've just recently woken up and started to figure out what the heck is going on here. So that's it. I'm done pitying myself. Nobody else does. Comments March 3, 2003 No news is good news? Here are a couple of interesting links, anyway. Cosmetics. Remember Face/Off? It could soon be a reality. Lord of the Rings. I never would have even thought of building a balrog out of marshmallows and burning it. March 3, 2003 Curious I find it odd that someone took just the bottom half of one of my hamburger buns. I can't even think of what I might use the other half for. March 3, 2003 Happiness out of thin Air I dunno Raymond, there seems to be a considerable correlation to your being unhappy and me being your friend... hmm... Perhaps I was your downfall ; ) I dunno, I've kind of always been there in the thickest of your cynicism. But you're absolutely right that you do need to have a little faith in life, as well as yourself, in order to be happy. Happy things will never present themselves to you, things will simply happen and how you choose to view it makes all the difference, no matter how consciously you do it. Take for example, me and BMW drivers. No matter how much a BMW driver pisses me off, I very consciously say, "Well, he's driving a BMW, there's probably some good reason for it" instead of me immediately assuming that the world is pool of idiocy destined to some cruel self-propagated fate. And I then it puts a smile on my face : ) See? -Victor March 3, 2003 I just have to say That BMW story is truly touching. March 4, 2003 Here I am All dressed up for the MT forumgoer's ball. Except I got lost trying to find the address. March 5, 2003 So I finally find the place... And nobody's there. By the way, the sketchbook's been updated. March 5, 2003 Happiness is a trampoline and rainbow sherbet... That was quite introspective (your post, not your hamburger bun philosophy). Well, happiness sure is hard to find nowadays. Victor is right; what you make of your circumstances is the only way to find the silver lining in your clouds. Your qualities aren't necessarily bad, but if you apply them in a positive way, I'm sure you can change how you feel without actually changing yourself. You're absolutely wonderful the way you are. You're one of the funniest people I know. However, I do hope you find a way to make yourself happy. Try new things; get involved on campus; join some clubs. And uh... if you want to try the "car = happiness" route, check into Porsches. They're awesome machines. But uh... yeah. Try other stuff besides that. -Jocelyn March 6, 2003 5:00pm The president's talking about stuff on TV. Update: The transcript.		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